—Psshaw! When I was your age we had to walk 10,000 miles to school, in a blizzard, with no shoes, uphill both ways, chased by wild dogs, shot at by Marxist guerillas, with bazookas, while allied bombers bombed our villages, and kamikazes crashed into us, and poisonous snakes bit our ankles, which were bare because we didn’t have no pants, and our dicks got bit by the snakes, and our balls got caught in thorn bushes, and the thorn bushes were on fire, and we caught on fire, and we didn’t know how to put the fire out, because we were ignorant, they didn’t teach us stop drop and roll in school, they teached us put out the fire with a liquid, and we were running past the gas station, so my friend Nino tried to put out the fire with gasoline, and we blew up just like the Towering Inferno, and when we got to school they punished us for being late, they tied us to a telephone pole and beat us with a stick, and the stick had a nail on it, a rusty nail, and they beat it into our bare ass, and we got tetanus, and we didn’t have shots for it so we got real sick, and I was in the hospital for six months, and when they finally let me out they beat me again for missing school, and they tied me up to beat me, and they used a machete, and this time they tied us all together with a barbed wire, and they pulled our pants down and beat us with the machete and we were bleeding all over the place and the principal Sister Mary Margeret told us how bad we were, and how bad boys would go to hell for doing bad things, like telling lies and playing with their ding dongs, and how bad things would happen to them, like being grilled naked over a pit of fire, and being skinned alive while the devil pours salt on them, and then dogs would lick the salt, and then she licked our wounds and spit on them, and then Sister Theresa Thomas whipped us with her rosary, and Sister Bridgette Boniface shoved a crucifix up our ass, and Sister Chastity Chastizer stuffed our faces in her crotch, and it smelled like seaweed, and all the while Father Francis Freaking Fuckface fucked us up our ass, and we couldn’t do nothing about it, we had to sit there and take it, and we did, because we had to, not like you pussy-ass kids today, with your walkman and your schoolbus, and your fancy cassettes!
—Oh Dad, Ed Go says, you’re so full of shit.
Then his father, who was also named Ed Go, punched him in the balls and knocked him down the stairs, just to make sure he got the moral of the story.
(originally published in Dumb Butt Magazine, May 2012)